Yesterday morning, I awoke to a flat tire.
This is the beginning of the bad rim job story.
This is the beginning of the lesson belonging to my mother's role in my life.
Yes, I have been struggling with accepting her affection; her love..I don't know how to accept those emotions, from her or from anyone, really...and now, I am learning...Acceptance has always been there, my perception to how I accept affection has been tainted. This Bad Rim Job is showing me how I am able to change MY perception to MY acceptance of affection.
My mom sent me a text message to tell me my the left back tire on my car, was flat. My response, "OK, Fuck!"
I was hoping she was wrong. Yeah, She was not wrong. I looked out the window and sure enough, my back left tire was flat. I made a little coffee and a little breakfast, sat down to eat and asked my mom to help me change the tire so I could take the tire up and get it fixed a a local tire shop.
Here is where my perception is screwed. I didn't ask to borrow her truck. I automatically assumed she would let me use her truck. She immediately put on warmer clothes to help me with the tire changing. No questions, not grumpiness... she simply helped me, because I asked. I accepted her help, easily. Am I able to accept her affection, just as easily...why have I made this sooooo difficult?
With teamwork, we were able to get the tire off of the car. I rolled the tire to her truck and threw it in the back. She gave me her keys and away I went.
No questions. I accepted her keys. I accepted her truck. This is easy. Accepting the physical parts of life. The reality is, even though I do not feel like I take advantage of situations, I do take advantage of her love for me. I expect her love to be there even when I do not accept her affection.
My childhood is not blurry. I did receive a limited amount of affection. The crazy thing, is...there was also a limited amount of physical items. Why do I make receiving the physical aspects of life easy, when the emotional is more fulfilling. Have I become superficial? I don't believe so, but... I have made affection's reception, superficial.
So, here I am. Driving my mom's pick up truck to the tire shop. The tire guy says, "sorry, this tire is not fixable, but I do have a used tire I can sell you, for $40." I smile and nod in agreement. Sigh with relief and go sit in the truck to wait...Five minutes later, the tire guy comes to the truck window and lets me know that he cannot fix the tire due to the rim. The rim is bent and a tire will not seal on a bent rim. He gives me the information to purchase a new/used rim or to have my rim fixed. the cost is between $110-$125... I cried. lots of tears. Frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I have so much faith in how the Universe provides and then something new comes along and BAM... I cry, because I get tired of the trouble. I am tired of money problems. I am tired of working so hard and spending money on car repair. Meanwhile, my mom texted to find out how everything was going and I let her know. I didn't mention to her that the rim had to be purchased at another location and upon arrival at home, she was ready to come out and help put the tire back on my car.
Here, once again...she was prepared to help me. I stormed passed her, went to my bedroom and began making calls to places for a new/used rim and to a place to repair my bad rim. I decided to go with the business that straightens bent rims. I went out to the kitchen and told my mom what was going on and that I needed to drive to Blue Springs to drop the rim off and then I would head on to work. I, of course was crying and fuming at my lack of luck and she said, "Dona, calm down."... really. Seriously. Do not tell me to calm down. I proceeded to let her know that I was not yelling at her, my tears are a response to my anger and stress at the situation and I needed to feel this emotion, to get passed the emotion.
Here, once again is where my perception is screwed. Why is the response to anger and frustration or stress easier to accept than affection or love? I am able to deal with all the other emotions in my life and yet, I choose to bypass love and affection. Writing this, is beginning to change how I perceive affection. Awareness is the beginning. The Bad Rim Job is teaching me one heck of a lesson. Okay, so I am crying, real tears...
Back to the Rim. I dropped it off and went to work, finished work and drove home. My Rim was supposed to be ready this morning. I called work to let them know I would be late. I intended on picking up the rim and taking it back to the tire place and having that used tire mounted and going home to put the tire on the car and head into work. Seemed simple enough, until I called the Rim place. I was told my Rim was not only bent, but cracked and they would have to order in another rim. The new rim will not be in until sometime this afternoon.
I cried a few tears and considered how lucky I really am. I could have had a blow out or the rim could have broken while I was driving and none of this happened. I am safe. My son is safe. My life is intact. So, I have to get a new rim and a new/used tire. Learn a lesson about affection/love and how my perception has been screwed. I am able to sigh with real relief. I am thankful for all the good things happening in my life. I am thankful for the Bad Rim Job.
Next, I will actually accept the affection/love which has always been there...by altering my perception.
And, hopefully....my tire will be all good by at least tomorrow.
This is the beginning of the bad rim job story.
This is the beginning of the lesson belonging to my mother's role in my life.
Yes, I have been struggling with accepting her affection; her love..I don't know how to accept those emotions, from her or from anyone, really...and now, I am learning...Acceptance has always been there, my perception to how I accept affection has been tainted. This Bad Rim Job is showing me how I am able to change MY perception to MY acceptance of affection.
My mom sent me a text message to tell me my the left back tire on my car, was flat. My response, "OK, Fuck!"
I was hoping she was wrong. Yeah, She was not wrong. I looked out the window and sure enough, my back left tire was flat. I made a little coffee and a little breakfast, sat down to eat and asked my mom to help me change the tire so I could take the tire up and get it fixed a a local tire shop.
Here is where my perception is screwed. I didn't ask to borrow her truck. I automatically assumed she would let me use her truck. She immediately put on warmer clothes to help me with the tire changing. No questions, not grumpiness... she simply helped me, because I asked. I accepted her help, easily. Am I able to accept her affection, just as easily...why have I made this sooooo difficult?
With teamwork, we were able to get the tire off of the car. I rolled the tire to her truck and threw it in the back. She gave me her keys and away I went.
No questions. I accepted her keys. I accepted her truck. This is easy. Accepting the physical parts of life. The reality is, even though I do not feel like I take advantage of situations, I do take advantage of her love for me. I expect her love to be there even when I do not accept her affection.
My childhood is not blurry. I did receive a limited amount of affection. The crazy thing, is...there was also a limited amount of physical items. Why do I make receiving the physical aspects of life easy, when the emotional is more fulfilling. Have I become superficial? I don't believe so, but... I have made affection's reception, superficial.
So, here I am. Driving my mom's pick up truck to the tire shop. The tire guy says, "sorry, this tire is not fixable, but I do have a used tire I can sell you, for $40." I smile and nod in agreement. Sigh with relief and go sit in the truck to wait...Five minutes later, the tire guy comes to the truck window and lets me know that he cannot fix the tire due to the rim. The rim is bent and a tire will not seal on a bent rim. He gives me the information to purchase a new/used rim or to have my rim fixed. the cost is between $110-$125... I cried. lots of tears. Frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I have so much faith in how the Universe provides and then something new comes along and BAM... I cry, because I get tired of the trouble. I am tired of money problems. I am tired of working so hard and spending money on car repair. Meanwhile, my mom texted to find out how everything was going and I let her know. I didn't mention to her that the rim had to be purchased at another location and upon arrival at home, she was ready to come out and help put the tire back on my car.
Here, once again...she was prepared to help me. I stormed passed her, went to my bedroom and began making calls to places for a new/used rim and to a place to repair my bad rim. I decided to go with the business that straightens bent rims. I went out to the kitchen and told my mom what was going on and that I needed to drive to Blue Springs to drop the rim off and then I would head on to work. I, of course was crying and fuming at my lack of luck and she said, "Dona, calm down."... really. Seriously. Do not tell me to calm down. I proceeded to let her know that I was not yelling at her, my tears are a response to my anger and stress at the situation and I needed to feel this emotion, to get passed the emotion.
Here, once again is where my perception is screwed. Why is the response to anger and frustration or stress easier to accept than affection or love? I am able to deal with all the other emotions in my life and yet, I choose to bypass love and affection. Writing this, is beginning to change how I perceive affection. Awareness is the beginning. The Bad Rim Job is teaching me one heck of a lesson. Okay, so I am crying, real tears...
Back to the Rim. I dropped it off and went to work, finished work and drove home. My Rim was supposed to be ready this morning. I called work to let them know I would be late. I intended on picking up the rim and taking it back to the tire place and having that used tire mounted and going home to put the tire on the car and head into work. Seemed simple enough, until I called the Rim place. I was told my Rim was not only bent, but cracked and they would have to order in another rim. The new rim will not be in until sometime this afternoon.
I cried a few tears and considered how lucky I really am. I could have had a blow out or the rim could have broken while I was driving and none of this happened. I am safe. My son is safe. My life is intact. So, I have to get a new rim and a new/used tire. Learn a lesson about affection/love and how my perception has been screwed. I am able to sigh with real relief. I am thankful for all the good things happening in my life. I am thankful for the Bad Rim Job.
Next, I will actually accept the affection/love which has always been there...by altering my perception.
And, hopefully....my tire will be all good by at least tomorrow.
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