Burning Fire

I cannot base my emotional need on humanity
See, I have this fire living within
     Burning
     Raging
     Wanting
     Seeking
This fire kills me, daily
I Burn to ashes
I Burn hard and fall down
Only to Rise again
I am not Brave
I have no choice, but to burn
Hot fire, burning me alive
Burning until there is nothing
Hot coals and ashes
I am never fully "out"
From the ashes, I Rise
Burning Coal in every limb
Standing there with fire, Raging
Don't touch me
Don't touch this living fire
Consuming, ever consuming
You must burn with me
To BE one with me
To Burn with me,
To Live.

Surrender

Surrender to the quiet moment
As your breath empties
Surrender, before you inhale
And die a little death with me

Surrender to your passion
Listen to your heart, beat
Surrender to your breath
Find your path to me

I want to touch your face with my fingertips
Kiss the corner of your mouth
Feel your intoxicating breath
Against my face

I want to touch your face
With my thumb
While pulling you close
Closer to my heart
Crushing your lips against mine

Yeah, I want to touch your face
Surrender, I Surrender
I cannot ask for more
Than your soul is able to give

I want and ache and need
A soul to want and ache and need
To surrender, Surrender
Heart to heart
One to another.

I wait, in Surrender.

New Moon in Scorpio

This amazing New Moon falls the person’s birthday, who changed my life.
Suprisingly enough, the New Moon is in Scorpio. Scorpio lies in my 6th house. The 6th house has to do with work, health and daily life.
The New Moon is about attracting what we want and powered with the solar eclipse ending old patterns and beginning anew!

Scorpio in the 6th house in health mode: I will be highly prone to blood born disease, i.e. STD.
as depicted on http://dherbs.com/news/4455/4669/Disease-and-Your-Astrological-6th-House/d,ai.html#.VEnH8YdvmpU

Pretty sure I planned this before birth. I had to, otherwise I would not have learned all the amazing life lessons brought to me by STD.

Whoa! The things I have learned!
and I want to vomit the emotion I feel, in words covering the Earth!
The song, "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan is playing, he is singing "How does it feel?"
Dude, this FEELS!!!

Last Sunday, I went to the Psychic Fair to enjoy the pretty stones, jewelry and an aura photo/mini reading!

My aura is large. Reds, oranges, yellows and greens dominate all around me. The Aura reader saw 2 "guides", my higher self and a spirit animal strongly supporting me. The report also included a Chakra Report which showed my Solar Plexus and Heart Chakras, LOW.  These areas are SEX and LOVE!
I am screwed!
OH! To the pattern!
Destruction!

Okay.
Yeah.
I acknowledge this.
I have been working on breaking the pattern.
Words
They are words until I put them in action.
The right kind of action.

What do I really want?
I want LOVE.
I want SEX
I want to love and be loved in return.
I want SEX
I want to look into the heart and soul of another and FEEL
I want to LOVE the person I am having SEX with
I want To FEEL the heart wrenching emotion belonging to souls working one with another.
I want to BE with someone who wants to Shake up the world!
To inspire and be inspired!

Funny thing is, look at that little section up there.
I have Love.
People love me and I love them
I look into hearts and souls while FEELING, daily
I experience heart wrenching emotion working on clients!
Now, how do I combine all I have with all I do not have?
Am I being selfish?
I want the personal experience.
Look into my heart, feel me
Look into my soul, feel me
Inspire me, inspiring you!!!

Shadow living is not healthy. I have lived in Truth's Shadow for years.
Afraid to want, knowing I will lose.
Afraid to ask, because vulnerability sucks.
I put myself out in vulnerable mode.
I am not afraid to be vulnerable.

Am I being authentically vulnerable?
Or, am I vulnerable for Shock Value?
Okay, yeah
I enjoy Shock VALUE.
No one expects ME to be THAT vulnerable.

I went on a date, a couple of weeks ago. Normally, I expose my vulnerability via conversation prior to a date. This time, I wanted to meet and feel the date without pre-conceived emotions. A blank slate.

Small talk and Dirty Martini's
Atmosphere
Darkly well dressed
Mutual attraction
A kiss
A smoke
Hand in Hand, walking
Eyes downcast
Sadness
Questions asked
Questions answered

I want to be wanted
For the woman I am
Know me,
The Woman.
I am a life waker
An Earth Shaker
Soul Mender
Ever mending

We have another date for Saturday night.
I don't know what is gonna happen and I am okay with opening myself in a new way.
I know what I want.
I know what I don't want.
This person is one I will enjoy knowing for as long as we know one another.

Back to the New Moon thing.
I am ending the pattern held for many years.
I am owning my authenticity.
I will pattern mySELF after the strength living in WOMAN!
I will continue to wake the world!!!
Whether I fall in love, soon or never.
I am Like a Rolling Stone.

Full Moon in Aquarius...The Super Moon

To Heal or not to Heal....

healing hurts.
I know because I am in a constant state of healing.
Tonight, at the Full Moon Meditation, I focused on my healing.
I focused on my need to have such an amazing healing.

The entire room was swirling in a vortex of energy and I was not alone in the healing need. Everyone has a Healing need. Does healing become grander the more intense the disease? No. No. Not at all.

Healing is as Healing does.
To those who embrace Healing's humble grace, I salute you. Yes...I salute you.
From the Broken Hearted to those with illness and death....
You who embrace the pain and nurture Healing, SALUTE!!

The Full Moon Meditation was about healing. Holding hands, one hand to give and another to receive. The energy was beautiful and intense while we said Mantra's together and separate one to another.

We rose up with hearts lying bare to the energy living in the room, tears came to my eyes and sadness forming around my heart...I felt myself lift away as time became nothing.
I listened to the subtle shift in sound as vibrations changed....
Love
Compassion
Love
Compassion
Love 
Compassion

I have a NEED
We hear your NEED
Thank you, I am grateful .....

The words above, were not the words spoken....
The words above were intoned in the vibrations all around the room....

As I was leaving, a woman handed me her card...and on the back were the words...

Feel the powerful flow of source energy 
YOU calling the rest of you forward!

Yep... I feel it!!!
and to honor myself and my gut instinct...
I am looking directly at my pain.
I am looking directly at my disease....
Sitting still and feeling all the nuances belonging therein
I am healed....

The pain
The heartache
The trust
The sadness
The fear

I want physical proof
I need physical proof

So...until then, I will envision all I AM, as I AM......
there...... yeah.... there, I AM....

A Stone Thrown

Life is what we make happen
One action causes another reaction
Is the reaction positive or negative?
Are we in control?
Is nature the Divine Controller?

A pebble thrown into water
Causes a ripple
The ripple is further affected by debris
Or other material in the water
The ripple  could change course
Due to a number of reasons
As it is with life
Do not fear throwing the stone
Or skipping the rock
Let's see how many ripples we create!
Let life keep rippling!

OMG, These Runners

I remember the pulsing, sweaty, exciting and exhilarating running up the mountains in Arkansas. Heavy breathing and heart pounding in my head with the burn living under my skin and if I could push on, push on...I knew the sweat would pour from my scalp and down my nose as my breathing evened out. Freedom lives in the run. Yes. Freedom lives in the run.

Why am I so anxious?

Years have gone by and I have not run up a mountain. I have not actually RUN in years. I have joined a group of RUNNERS who are supportive to the beginners. Supportive to the Walkers.

Why am I so anxious?

Facing mySELF and  my inability to be successful in this realm is emotional. I lie down at night and my heart begins to race. Pounding hard against my chest, I breathe deeply and soon feel like I am hyperventilating. Sleep evades my night. I sit up and meditate. I cannot meditate when my heart is pounding.
STRIKE 2
I cannot sleep
I cannot meditate

OMmmmmmmm
OMmmmmmmm

NOT happening.

I am anxious. What if I hold someone back from a run?
What if I make someone feel like walking with me is mandatory?

STOP! Those are pretend conversations. Imagined FEARS. STOP!!!

Truth is, I cannot keep up. Not yet.
I don't like not being able to keep up. I don't like feeling like this.
And, I know.... the only way to be able to keep up is to be the one who cannot keep up.
Practice makes perfect, or at least better and knowing I must persevere does not make the anxiety go away.

Change Fucking hurts, dude.
Not the body. I can deal with the body changes.
The emotional changes are the most painful.

I don't want to fail.

I am envisioning a WereWolf. Once they go through the change, they are fine. The change is rough. Transitioning from human to wolf is bone breaking and mind numbing. Once the change is complete the wolf moves into graceful action. Graceful as a Gazelle or graceful as a Wolf hunting down a Gazelle.
 Ok...so, I watch too many of those sci-fi shows with my son and yet, the change is similar.

Do I have the guts to do the impossible?
Do I have the ability to make such a dramatic change and become the Wolf chasing the Gazelle?

I do not want to stand still while the world moves by.
I want to feel the transformation occur.
I want the thrill to enthrall me!

so....again....
Why am I so anxious?
At worst, I will become a runner.
At best, I will become a runner.

OMG, These Runners.....
yeah, one day...that will be me.

Heart Strings and The July Full Super Moon

New  massage client today. 
He walked in with a gray storm cloud hovering above his head. His muscle complaint, neck pain and stress. 
I sat at the head of the table and began sending my feelers, out... My fingers touching and feeling him. At the base of his skull and around to his collar bone... I knew him. A simple touch and I knew him. A gentle man who carries the weight of his world upon his shoulders and he has been failing. Life is beginning to tumble from his shoulders and trickle down affecting his peace of mind.

As I worked, I saw a short vision.. His heart pulsing and a deep dark red color.. Strings coming out of his heart seeking yet not connecting to anyone. One string deeply embedded within his heart.

He loves deeply. He is not connecting with anyone anyone right now. 
He is not allowing others to LOVE him. The one string deeply embedded within his heart is his love, for himself. He knows how to love. The stress in life keeps him from allowing people in his heart. 

I recognize this in him as he is a mirror to my soul. For many years, I did not let anyone love me. I told myself I was better off loving and not being loved. 

My heart strings floating 
Waving around and waiting
Going deeper and deeper within
Piercing my beating heart
Holding on to me
Holding on to me

In the vision, the string flowing out of the heart and reattaching, wounded the heart. Love is to flow out... We attach to other hearts and love flows back in. A Love self-sustained, damages the soul and wounds the interior. 

I am so happy to have seen this vision today. I no longer am a self-sustained lover. I am open to receiving love! 

This Full moon was in Capricorn... A time to know our own needs and be willing to receive what we want! 

My heart strings are waving hello! I am no longer wounding myself.

I accept love!

I accept all of my wants! 

I told my client of the vision. He recognized this as something he needs to work on. I am glad I was able to see this, today.