Layer by layer, I am revealed and becoming my authentic self.
I am pretty damn authentic in most areas except one. I have not opened up and gone past the BS surrounding my mother.
This is the one place where I am having heck of a time healing. I have a darkness in my heart about her. I have a sense of responsibility for her and I don't know why.
There was a time when she comforted me when comforting sounds until those sounds were replaced by her fear of upsetting my step-father. The woman emotionally bankrupted my soul, at an early age. I began with a deficit in the love department, so how the hell does a person give someone something they rarely ever received from their own mother.
I let her move in with me, in 2008. She irks me. She is my bane. I feel responsible for her well-being and yet, I have little emotional attachment to her. I do not ever feel the need or desire to hug her. Maybe I am pushing her sentimentality away because I never had it and I don't know how to feel those emotions from her.
She is a lost piece of art
A masterpiece unmade
The careful hand slipped
And the dream lost
How does one shine
Where there is no love
How is the vision complete
While darkness settles within
She is unmade
She is waiting
Time has become dusty
Frail upon her heart
The clockwork ticks
Ever so slowly
She is unmade
A masterpiece Unborn
Every layer I peel, leads me back to her. To the place where fear and mistrust live. I don't want to feel this way and yet, I struggle. My light self battles my shadow self... and the shadow keeps winning...
I cannot love completely or be loved completely until I get beyond this. Until I face the onion peel and cry real tears, on her face. She knows she hurt me. I think?
I let THIS hold me back... because I do not face it head on.
I think what really irritates me, is HER. She hides out in her bedroom and does not ever talk about what her feelings are, except her damn want of a damn horse... or how tired she is because she had trouble drying her clothes ALL day. They are in the dryer. The dryer does the work. She cannot have a horse, because she does not have the money to own one. She cannot drive to her friends house, because she quit her job and does not have the money for gas...and, I think she blames me because I have her buy the food for the house with her SS money. I pay all the other bills... where else can she get that kind of deal? Rent and Utility free... cell phone free... How much better do I have to be?
She makes me feel like I am the villain. I am the bad guy. I do the wrongs in life.
I work 6 days a week. I take one day and make the day mine...